Normal funny stuff


****  CONVENTION REMINDER

No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team.  If you notice
smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod) .
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up .
Procrastinate Now .
Rehab Is for Quitters .
My Dog Can Lick Anyone .
Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15 .
West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names .
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT .
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance .
STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead .
POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.
FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH
A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.
The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
WELCOME TO TENNESSEE - Set your watch back 20 years.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Hamster Bomb

Consider: For this to function, you need the following Use:
A super-strong space hamster, tied onto the infinitely thin, infinitely strong, 'very long' string, which is itself tied to the maypole, is thrown or launched in space so that the hamster is swinging around on the end of the string, which is horizontal.

The hamster accelerates as it is drawn towards the maypole. Naturally, the hamster would be squealing, but due to the dopplar effect, you'd get high pitched squeaks coming towards you, and low moans travelling away from you.

Now, if you took that a step further, the hamster would soon be travelling quickly enough you would get blue and red phase-shifts.

If we go past that point, the hamster would start sqeaking in the ultrasonic range and groaning subsonically (assuming there's some kind of air, which would allow the sound to travel).Further past that, the dopplar effect would be so great, the hamster would then emit intense ultraviolet and microwave radiation.

By this time, however, the hamster would be travelling at such a speed that its mass would have increased exponentially. You'd now have a planet-mass hamster on the end of an (infinitely strong) string, travelling close to the speed of light, emitting ultrasonic and subsonic sound, and spraying off radiation.

Of course, when it finally ran out of string, the impact might be enough to jump-start nuclear fusion, which (with the mass of the hamster having become nearly infinite) would cause a sizeable explosion. Big enough, anyway, to take out a solar system.

There you have it - the biggest and most powerful weapon - a space hamster on a string, attached to a maypole.

You know you're in a small town when...
        You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
        You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local
                merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
        Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't.
        You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail.
        You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
        You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.

neutron bomb, n:
        An explosive device of limited military value because, as
        it only destroys people without destroying property, it
        must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a 
semester dealing with a broad array of topics. 

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked 
up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using 
everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not
exist." 

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. 
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the 
existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished
in 
less than a minute. 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered 
how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. 
His answer consisted of two words: 

"What chair?"